Doubts

I am so homesick right now. I don’t know if it’s because I was just feeling slightly depressed today and was thinking that I would love to go home for a week or 10 days and just…leave my life here behind for a little while. It’d be nice to not have to work for a whole week, and not to stress about what I’m going to do with my life, and be able to see all my loved ones and spend time with them and just, well, relax. Relaxing is something I feel like I haven’t had time to do. And I mean truly relaxing, where I’m not worrying or stressed out about something in the back of my mind. I mean obviously if I went home I know that I’d still have to come back and find a job, but I could put my worries on hold.

I spoke to my mom on the phone for a little while earlier and she kept reminding me to “think about it” (it being moving home), and the thing is is that I rarely STOP thinking about it! It’s always in the back of my mind. I’m always either stressed about money or finding a job or both, since they’re quite related.

The thing is is that I’ve kinda pinned all my hopes on this move, on living in New York. I didn’t plan to leave for at least 5 years. If I go home now, what have I got to show for it? I mean really?

I love New York, but I honestly don’t know how much longer I can survive being a bookseller and an intern. I don’t want to keep being a bookseller and an intern, but at the moment there really isn’t anything out there.

I don’t know. I guess the question is, when do you know it’s the right time to give up?