Doubts

I am so homesick right now. I don’t know if it’s because I was just feeling slightly depressed today and was thinking that I would love to go home for a week or 10 days and just…leave my life here behind for a little while. It’d be nice to not have to work for a whole week, and not to stress about what I’m going to do with my life, and be able to see all my loved ones and spend time with them and just, well, relax. Relaxing is something I feel like I haven’t had time to do. And I mean truly relaxing, where I’m not worrying or stressed out about something in the back of my mind. I mean obviously if I went home I know that I’d still have to come back and find a job, but I could put my worries on hold.

I spoke to my mom on the phone for a little while earlier and she kept reminding me to “think about it” (it being moving home), and the thing is is that I rarely STOP thinking about it! It’s always in the back of my mind. I’m always either stressed about money or finding a job or both, since they’re quite related.

The thing is is that I’ve kinda pinned all my hopes on this move, on living in New York. I didn’t plan to leave for at least 5 years. If I go home now, what have I got to show for it? I mean really?

I love New York, but I honestly don’t know how much longer I can survive being a bookseller and an intern. I don’t want to keep being a bookseller and an intern, but at the moment there really isn’t anything out there.

I don’t know. I guess the question is, when do you know it’s the right time to give up?

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7 Responses

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for a while but never left a comment, I just had to for this post though! I completely sympathise with how you feel, I’ve lived away from my home town too. However after going back I’ve -always- regretted now making the most of my time there, or not completing what I went there for.

    Your blog is an inspiration to me and I don’t think you should give up your dream!! Things are going to be tough but really, you’re living in NYC, how many people can say they’ve lived there, or even visited the place 🙂 Obviously do whatever makes you happy 🙂 I have to admit I’d be sad if this blog wasn’t around to read anymore. It seems like you’re only beginning your adventure!

  2. Here’s my opinion (take it or leave it): Considering how much time, money and effort it took you to move here, think about how much time, money and effort it will take to leave and go back. Plus, when you get there, do you have anything there that will guarantee to be better than NYC? If not, I’d suggest staying. Unless there’s a real reason why living in NYC is not working out (i.e. you hate it here or you physically can’t afford it anymore), then I think you need to give it some more time. You’re right that you probably moved during a crummy time and finding your job will take some time. But you’ll find that anywhere these days – that’s not an NYC thing. The pieces, in my opinion, will eventually fall into place and you will find something you enjoy doing. But it takes even native New Yorkers awhile to find their groove! You never know where this internship may lead… And if you move back, and end up not finding something you like, then you may end up regretting that you moved back, and moving to NYC for a second time might actually be impossible at that point.

    I actually would stop thinking about for awhile. Unless you have hard, physical reasons why you can’t stay here (such as, you can’t pay rent), then I would try to enjoy what you can and keep your eyes open like everyone else. You did make a commitment to move, and I think you owe to yourself to see it through, good times and bad.

    I’ve been in the NYC area for 2 years and my first year was really hard. Sure, I had a job, but I didn’t have any friends, except for a few acquaintances. Now I have a boyfriend and I’m starting to make more friends. Starting a new life takes time and it’s easy to run back to the familiar. The question really is, do you want the familiar or do you want the new?

  3. When is a good time to give up? NEVER!!

    I’m in medical school and the set backs that I’ve gone through and debt that I’ve collected, I wonder every day if I’m even cut out for this. But its my dream. And I know its hard but I’ll get there eventually!

    Its your dream to make it NYC. I know we all want what we want RIGHT NOW, but good things always comes to those to are patient. I’m sure you’ll be fine! Keep strong

  4. Here are my 2 cents.

    I’ve moved around a LOT. Sometimes alone, sometimes with family.

    And it’s always taken me at least one year to really get accustomed to where I am and make good friends. So I’d vote for giving it time. Being homesick is rough, but don’t give up. This is your dream. Everyone has to start somewhere – even in a book store or as an intern. Give yourself some slack – there aren’t many jobs being created, so it might be a while…

  5. Jess, I LOVE your commenters! I was going to try to be optimistic, but seriously all these people did it for me.

    And now I’m going to read all these comments over again and pretend they’re directed toward me. Carry on.

  6. My one cent is don’t leave. You’re already THERE; you’ve already got a foothold into publishing. I think you’re just feeling a little lonely, but that’s just part of life. And think of this: the same amount of blood, sweat, and tears it took to get there is equal to the blood, sweat, and tears it will require to get out. So I’d gut it out.

  7. I can’t agree more with what everyone else has been saying. Don’t leave if you feel like it’s something you’re going to regret later. Keep pushing, keep trying… there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it’s small, it will give you motivation to continue pursuing your dream.

    (I haven’t been able to read your blog regularly over the last couple of months because I have been away from the blogosphere. I’m back now though – at a new blog. Come by and check it out when/if you have a chance. :))

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