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Protected: Still a little bit in crisis mode

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Stay…just a little bit longer

I got a job. 🙂

Can you believe it? Although to be fair, it’s totally, completely different from what I wanted when I moved here. It is not related to publishing whatsoever, but it will pay a lot more (enough so that once I get going, I may even be earning enough to live anywhere I want in NYC in a year’s time!), and it will also buy me time to see if I ever will be able to get into publishing. As one of my friends reminds me, it’s not a means to an end, it’s TRIAGE!

At the same time though, I think I’ll acquire a lot of new skills, and I know that whatever I end up doing later they’ll come in handy. Maybe I’ll even be an entrepreneur, and be my own boss completely somewhere down the line.

Either way, I’m happy I will get to stay in New York. My time here isn’t up! I still have so much I want to do! Like Shakespeare in the Park! (Which I’m gonna try to go to on Tuesday, or maybe next Saturday…)

I am sad about leaving the bookstore, but since they moved me to the music and DVD department, I’m slightly less nostalgic about it. Still, it must be noted now that I met such a great group of people there and I am sad I won’t be able to see them all the time anymore (and get paid for it!). Still, whoever is a real friend will still be my friend when I’m not there, and I will still visit the store (and all the books! Oh, how I miss the books…).

Who knows what opportunities this new job may bring? 🙂

Peace at last.

I’ve made my decision. If things don’t happen the way I would like for them to happen within the next two months, I will go home. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’ve worked harder this year than I ever have, and I gave it my best shot. If by the end of July I still don’t have a ‘real’ job, I’m just going to go home. Not even begrudgingly, but willingly.

I’m done with the stress of living so far away from all my loved ones, without a real job, constantly worrying about money and my future, and just stress in general.

I will keep trying to get a job for the next two months, just as hard as I have been the last 9 months or however long I’ve been here now, but if it doesn’t happen, I’m going to accept it and move on, figure out my next move once I’m home.

Obviously this decision does sadden me a bit, since I do love New York (hence the blog name!), but I love me a little bit more. And I don’t need to continue to live with this stress when I could be back home and not have to immediately worry about my whole life again – at least I’ll have a roof over my head (without my parents shelling out extra money for it), and food to eat, and family to take care of me, and friends to really just relax and enjoy life with. I can then regroup and figure out what I’m going to do next.

I guess part of being an adult is admitting defeat when it happens. Although I haven’t totally done so yet, just having this decision made already relaxes me somewhat, and I’m not so freaked out about the possibility of having to pick up everything (again) and move halfway across the world (again).

IF I move home, and IF I ever decide to move back to NYC, it definitely won’t be until I have enough money to just buy a place so I won’t have to worry about rent. 🙂 Or until I win the lottery (although I suppose I’d have to actually buy lottery tickets first, for that to happen…), or until I get a really huge windfall from some really generous benefactor, whichever comes first. 🙂 And I think I’m ok with that.

I’m not saying goodbye yet, and no matter what happens I still have the summer, so I’m going to make the most of it. 🙂

Life, as a quarterlifer.

Got a voicemail from ma madre today. Essentially it was reminding me that I only have my parents’ financial support until my lease is up end of Aug/beginning of September. “I support you psychologically,” was what she said. So now I’m feeling more than a little desperate.

I was listening to the voicemail while walking to Grand Central after work, and random literary-sounding phrases ran through my head (must be the influence of reading The Book Thief), but I can’t remember any of them now. My heart turned, and images flashed through my head of what my life would be like living in Hong Kong again, if I went:

I would have to room with either my sister or my grandma, I would miss my bed here (I LOVE my bed – every night when I climb in I am grateful for it. Seriously.), I wouldn’t have a job at all, and would probably be kind of…numb. I have a life here. I’d feel like I’d given up my life. My dreams, they’re all here. I know what it’s like living and working back in Hong Kong. While I loved having all my best friends and my family around, I was so unfulfilled career-wise. Obviously, I enjoyed many luxuries there (like actually being able to have steak every once in a while, something I’ve been craving for a while now but feel too guilty to indulge in), and never had to pay any bills, all of which I obviously was very grateful for, but I was craving something more, something bigger, something more fulfilling.

Is it being spoiled, that I expect to be able to make my dreams come true? It is a luxury, of course, to be able to even strive for it, as difficult as my journey in NYC has been so far. (Bless my roommate – when I came home and told her what happened, tears rolled down her face as she told me how proud of me she is, how brave it was to move halfway across the world and leave everyone behind, to have found 2 jobs and worked both of them at the same time, and then found internship after internship right after. Of course, that made me cry more!) But is it wrong to expect to be able to make it happen?

Another question is – if I refuse to go home, and move to Queens or Brooklyn or somewhere else much cheaper than Manhattan – would I be able to survive on my paltry bookseller’s salary? Obviously this question will take some research (i.e. asking my bookseller friends how they do it!), but it’s just something I should find out.

If I leave, I will feel like I betrayed myself, and I think that’s the worst of it. Betrayed in the sense that I just gave up on myself, decided I wasn’t worth the hard work. And I’ve worked hard this year, probably harder than I ever have. In the 9 months I’ve been here, I’ve had 2 jobs and 2 internships, and rarely had a weekend off, often only having 1 day off a week. It’s been hard, but for me, it’s still worth it. Living here, being here, striving towards a goal has so far been worth the ache in my lower back after standing for 8 hours a day, worth being so tired I collapse into bed most nights, worth leaving all my friends and family behind. If I leave, what have I got to strive for?

Sure, I could find a job, Sure, I’ll have the comforts of a roof over my head and food paid for, and the comforts of having my loved ones around me, but what about my personal goals? Fulfillment? Is it spoiled to be wanting more?

My parents have both worked hard all their lives, and they haven’t necessarily found the fulfillment that I’m striving for. My dad, all his life, had always wanted to study law, but instead slaved away at the family business until last year when he finally got to go to law school and is now studying for his JD. Because of this I do kinda feel guilty for even having the luxury of being able to pursue my dreams for a year. That’s a year more than my dad got, and he never complained.

Clearly, I am very confused right now. Tears keep rising to my eyes but I keep trying to blink them away and swallow them. It’s obviously unfair to expect my parents to keep supporting me, and I have been and still am very grateful for them even being able to cover my excess expenses, but the question is, now what? It’s now or never for my dreams, pretty much. Now or never.

Someone please hire me? I am organized, can write, and can provide references! (Great, I’ve resorted to pimping myself out on my blog.) I also promise I am rarely this depressing! (I can provide testimonials to that end, as well. 🙂 )